How should we discuss these events as a family?

The goal here is to talk as a family about what happened on November 13, 2015. After the initial shock, children may have exhibited certain difficulties, such as separation anxiety or an increased need for security. They may have asked their parents questions, but sometimes they kept these concerns to themselves, which caused them distress at school or in their usual environment. What can be done to help them process these events?

The November 2015 attacks caused significant distress, even among those who did not witness them directly. At home, young parents who might have been at the Bataclan, in the restaurants, or at the Saint-Denis stadium imagined themselves in the shoes of those who were attending the concert or celebrating a birthday with friends. They were initially stunned by the events. On the very evening of November 13, many stayed up late watching TV. Everyone was somber; some were screaming or crying. Sadness was evident in everyone’s eyes. Their children and teenagers not only learned that a deadly attack had claimed many lives, but they also saw that their parents were deeply affected, even though they were safe and sound.

At first, the parents said nothing, stunned. Then they began to speak. Overcome by emotion, they conveyed a great deal of fear and anxiety.

Before putting words to what had happened, emotions came through raw and unfiltered. They were passed on to the children in their raw, unprocessed state by their parents. Then, through discussions and reading, the parents tried to make sense of what had happened: “Madmen, terrorists, murderers…” All these words were all the more terrifying because the children sensed the danger that could now affect anyone. On TV, we saw processions and spontaneous demonstrations, but that did not reassure the parents. The children felt increasingly alone. The moment of silence at school was followed by some explanations, but it was still difficult to express themselves at that point.

When a serious, national trauma occurs, children are often the ones most overlooked. Their parents, after a period of shock, find their voices again. Even if they are saddened for a while, they return to their routines. Children are rarely asked to share how they feel, yet they, too, are deeply shaken, especially by the changes they see in their parents. Children will therefore “keep inside” their fear and sorrow at seeing their parents so upset. This lack of expression can lead to anxiety (yes, even in a young child), an anxiety that isn’t expressed in words but manifests as nighttime rumination and a fear of being separated from loved ones (also known as “separation anxiety,” which is sometimes followed by school phobia, where the child no longer wants to go to school). To prevent these difficulties from persisting, it is necessary to consult your family doctor or a psychologist. During this consultation, parents are present with their child(ren) and discuss what happened with the professional. The children say: “Mom turned pale,” “Dad yelled, I was scared…,” they reflect their parents’ distress. Yes, the adults could no longer control themselves; they created a sense of great insecurity.

Seeing their family doctor or a psychologist allows parents to reclaim their role as adults who reassure and protect. That is what children need. However, parents can revisit these difficult moments and express how deeply shocked they were by what happened. They can emphasize the emotions they experienced—empathy for the victims, helplessness, a desire to help, and a sense of outrage. It is through open communication and the return to normal behaviors that children will be reassured by the protection provided by their parents, while gradually becoming aware of the dangers around them. During ceremonies commemorating the attacks, parents and children can reflect together on the difficulties they faced and see that family stability has been restored, strengthened by the experience they have now gained.

References:

Bacqué MF. Hanus, M. Grief. Que sais-je, Paris, PUF (2000, 6th edition, 2016).

Bacqué MF. How Death Comes to Children. Journal des psychologues 2004,219, 46-50.

Le P'tit Libé No. 3: The Paris Attacks (November 2015)

Le P'tit Libé No. 5: Security: Life After the Attacks (January 2016)

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Text written by Prof. Marie-Frédérique Bacqué, Professor of Clinical Psychopathology at the University of Strasbourg and Director of EA 3071 SULISOM